Embrace Chaos!
Chaos is the only word I can think of to describe the past few months. Grieving the loss of two family members, dealing with my children’s school issues and treatments, plus the addition of a new hamster to our menagerie of pets, resulted in a complete shutdown for me–a writer’s block, yes–but a need to withdraw and take care of myself and my loved ones.
According to the Free Dictionary, chaos theory is a “mathematical theory that describes chaotic behavior in a complex system. Applications include the study of turbulent flow in fluids, irregularities in biological systems, population dynamics, chemical reactions, plasma physics, meteorology, the motions of groups and clusters of stars, transportation dynamics, and many other fields.” Apparently these phenomena actually have an underlying order, and can, in fact, be predictable.
It is difficult to imagine that the chaos we sometimes experience in our family lives is both predictable and part of a larger “order.” To break things down at the micro level, each individual family member is either experiencing “equilibrium” or “disequilibrium” depending on their age, developmental phase, and interaction with the environment. Equilibrium is experienced when everything seems to be in balance, an individual is coping well with change and adversity, and seems to be growing and maturing. Disequilibrium, which seems more familiar than the latter, is when an individual is going through a difficult transition, which could be brought about by both internal and external forces. Internally, there are physiological changes that can affect each of us such as illness, growing pains, lack of sleep or changes in appetite. Externally, changes in the environment such as a new school, job, relationship distress, financial strain, seasonal changes, and/or coping with extended family can bring about a stress reaction, which, in turn, influences physiological changes. The two are interwoven and interrelated such that it is sometimes difficult to figure out what came first.
For our kids with sensory processing disorder, the reaction to both internal and external forces is often much more extreme than it is for the average child. In fact, our SPD kids might look like they are in disequilibrium quite often. Whether they are or are not experiencing disequilibrium is not as important as how we as parents cope with it.
Sometimes it helps to imagine that you are a neutral third person, looking down upon yourself and your family members as they are interacting. You can make observations without attaching any emotional response, good or bad, such as, “There is my daughter having a meltdown. She is yelling and screaming and her face is turning red. I feel my heart beating faster and I can feel some stress and anger building up within myself. I will not act on these feelings, but just observe them.” This is a very cursory explanation of how mindfulness works. You use your senses to observe the things you see, hear, feel, and experience in the moment, appreciating each moment, regardless of how difficult the situation. Another goal of mindfulness is to adapt a loving stance towards yourself and to let go of the automatic criticisms that we all engage in. Some people think of mindfulness meditation as contributing to a more sedentary, sleep-like state, but actually, the goal is to feel more alive and awake!
Back at the macro level, imagining that each interaction and experience is part of a larger order can actually be helpful. Whether we make this choice or that one, our lives both individually and together as a family are meant to take certain twists and turns that may be very far from where we expected to go; these unexpected turns may cause sadness or grief, create confusion or balance, or bring joy and relief. This reminds me of one of my favorite movies, Sliding Doors, which illustrates this point beautifully as the main character experiences two parallel realities. You never know what will happen that will lead you in one direction or another. This is the beauty, and the unfolding of life. Embrace it!
In with the Old, In with the New
Resolution. A word we hear often at New Year’s. What does this mean? According to Wikipedia,
A New Year’s resolution is a commitment that a person makes to one or more lasting personal goals, projects, or the reforming of a habit. This goal must be reached by the Next New Year. Keep in mind that this is a goal, not a wish and should be something that you as a person could strive for.
A New Year’s Resolution is generally a goal someone sets out to accomplish in the coming year. Some examples include resolutions to donate to the poor more often, to become more assertive, or to become more environmentally responsible. A key element to a New Year’s Resolution that sets it apart from other resolutions is that it is made in anticipation of the New Year, and new beginnings. People committing themselves to a new year’s resolution plan to do so for the whole following year.
This is what “resolution” means to adults. What does it mean to a child? I asked my children if they could think about a resolution for the New Year. One said, “I’m still thinking.” Another said, “I want more toys,” and the third had no response. This concept is foreign to children under the age of eight or so, who have typically not yet developed abstract thinking and a sense of themselves apart from other people. While children can develop empathy at a young age, often what they think of first is something that will benefit themselves, not others. Gentle reminders of others’ experiences, volunteer opportunities (e.g. at a Food Bank), and/or sponsoring a child are some examples of ways to encourage kids to have an awareness of others’ needs. We have a sponsored child in India through Children International, and through an ongoing correspondence with this 10-year-old girl who lives in extreme poverty, my kids have gained some understanding of how fortunate they truly are. This is a work in progress.
Furthermore, the idea of changing something about oneself or striving to change a bad habit takes some time to develop in children. I gave them the example of, “I want to do my best to get along with my sisters,” and they looked at me like I had spoken a foreign language.
For parents of sensory kids, we can only hope and expect that our kids will grow and learn new ways of approaching the world and the things that frighten them. Often these changes are outside of their awareness. However, we can also expect that the pace of change will be much slower than we might want, and that can often be frustrating. Behaviors you thought had changed may reappear, only to remind you that your child does, indeed, have unique struggles and challenges. For example, we went to a 4D movie (Polar Express) over the holiday break – you know, the kind that has actual rain, snow, and wind, and hydraulic motion under your seat. I thought to myself, surely my girls have matured enough to “weather” this type of movie. When the movie began and the train started blowing the whistle (granted, it was extremely loud) and shaking the seats, one of my daughters began to shake and cry, and my husband had to carry her out of the theater. I felt selfish for being disappointed, but then realized how disappointed she must feel, and that she might even feel a sense of inadequacy. We tried to console her by normalizing that the movie was quite loud, and having rain and wind come out of nowhere can be frightening. It took her several minutes to calm down.
And this brings me to my resolution: to be more patient. Change will come slowly, regressions will happen, and this is just how it’s going to be. I can easily get ahead of myself and imagine everything going smoothly, but eventually we encounter several bumps in the road, and we as parents have to learn to “weather” these challenges, without imposing our own needs on our children. So, while we learn to accept the old behaviors, we are simultaneously learning new ways of coping with our own struggles to parent and address our children’s difficulties with love and patience.
Happy New Year!
November Before December
November is upon us, with the crisp, Fall leaves finally changing colors here in Texas, and cool days interspersed with days reminding us of our very hot summer. November also brings the holidays, which have quickly descended upon us. They actually arrived the day after Halloween, when stores rushed to exhibit their elaborate Christmas displays, overlooking the fact that Thanksgiving actually comes BEFORE Christmas, Hannukah, and New Year’s. One holiday at a time, please!
As the frenzy of the season winds up, so do our kids. Between media blitzes of holiday ads, school events and holiday parties, and end-of-semester recitals, all of this overstimulation can really stir up sensory issues. Not to mention the change in routine brought about by vacation, and family visitors. You might expect to see some regressive behaviors, such as increased reactivity to benign requests to complete tasks such as, “It’s time to brush teeth.” or your child may display heightened sensitivity to noise (avoid the mall!), textures of clothing, or certain smells. He or she may not want to engage in social functions as might be expected at this time of year, and may seem either overly active or especially fatigued.
It will be important to try to keep routines as close to normal as possible, and maybe even to skip some events so you and your children can have some much-needed down time. If a visit with particular family members causes additional stress for the parents, you can bet your sensory kiddo will pick up on the family conflict and emotional strain. It’s okay to say, “No, a visit to Aunt Sally’s on Christmas Day just won’t work for our family this year.” Preserve the family rituals that you enjoy, and maintain the boundaries around those important rituals.
Above all, take time to savor and relish the time you have together as a family. Rather than focusing on the consumer aspect of the holidays, consider the small things that make your holiday great, whether it’s sitting by a fire, playing a family game, taking a walk, or just plain talking and getting to know each other again. And don’t forget that Thanksgiving comes first, giving all of us a chance to remember and express what we are most grateful for.
Your kids might enjoy this fun activity on Thanksgiving: each person writes down what they are thankful for on a small piece of paper, folds it up, and places it in a bowl. Before dinner while sitting around the table, you can draw the messages and have your guests try to guess who wrote it. My note will say: I’m most thankful for my family and friends, and the gift of parenting these precious children.
Battle Cry of the Rooster Mother
A rooster, according to the Chinese Zodiac, possesses the following attributes: acute, neat, meticulous, organized, self-assured, decisive, conservative, critical, perfectionist, alert, zealous, practical, scientific, responsible, can be over zealous and critical, puritanical, egotistical, abrasive, proud, opinionated, given to empty bravado. Okay, I can own up to some of these qualities—yes—even some of the less flattering ones. But how would a rooster mother interact with her kids who have sensory issues?
One of my daughters is identified as a sheep on the Chinese Zodiac. A sheep is described as righteous, sincere, sympathetic, mild-mannered, shy, artistic, mothering, peaceful, generous, seeks security, indecisive, over-passive, worrier, pessimistic, over-sensitive, complainer, weak-willed.
As you can probably guess, I just finished reading, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” by Amy Chua. I was curious to know what all the hype was about. I was equally shocked and horrified by her rigidity, demands, restrictions, screaming tirades, and shaming parenting techniques as her critics (see the NY Times review).
On the other hand, it took great courage and vulnerability (or narcissism?) for Ms. Chua to put herself out there for the world to scrutinize. What is most confusing for me about the book are the references to Western culture. The implication is that “Western” parents are permissive, overindulgent, and coddle (overpraise?) their children (who are underachieving hoodlums) and allow them to beat up other kids at the park with no consequences. These sweeping overgeneralizations leave out the subtleties and nuances of individual differences.
First, I must say that I don’t subscribe to such concrete, obtuse, and one-dimensional descriptions of people, as implied by the Chinese zodiac templates and the cultural stereotypes. While temperament does determine some of a child’s personality, we all know that a person’s unique history, experiences, interactions, and yes—culture, make up that person’s reactions, thoughts, and feelings, which are not static.
Parents of kids with sensory issues are keenly aware of the rapidly shifting nature of their child’s mental and emotional states. A child’s mood can change like a light switch, and both the precipitating event and the child’s reaction to it are often unpredictable. This can be jarring for the parents as well as for the kids.
If I were, indeed, a rooster mother, which I probably am sometimes, I would have great difficulty with the dependency, indecisiveness, passivity, and anxiety displayed by my Sheep daughter (and I would be blind to her many positive qualities!). The rigid picture in my mind of how my kids are supposed to behave, think, and feel would be completely destroyed by the reality of our situation. The truth is, while I can certainly be critical and perfectionistic, I make every effort to refrain from criticizing my children, especially knowing they are dealing with their own internal struggles. This is not always easy, especially when my daughter is struggling to complete tasks like brushing her teeth, getting dressed, and completing homework. The piece that is missing from Ms. Chua’s long treatise is the effect of her authoritarian techniques on her daughters’ social-emotional well-being. While she acknowledges at one point that her youngest daughter was suffering due to the detrimental effects of her brute parenting practices, she does not ever seem to be able to put herself in her daughter’s shoes.
If nothing else, we need to be able to put our own feelings aside and empathize with our children’s experiences, regardless of the type of parenting techniques we ascribe to. They are little people with developing minds and sensitive feelings, and we must be attuned to how our nervous systems mesh with and impact theirs. Our sensitive kiddos can also pick up on nonverbals, even the rhythm of our breathing! This is not to say that we have to be perfect all the time, or that we should try to mask the raw emotions, perceptions, and experiences that make us human. Rather, becoming more aware of what triggers our reactivity, working to uncover the ways in which our past experiences shape our reactions, and discovering and integrating new ways of being and connecting are the keys to nurturing our own as well as our children’s well-being, self-understanding, and secure sense of self in relation to others.
Mother Nature Who?
Was I alone in thinking that once my kids started elementary school I would have more time? Boy, was I wrong. I went from volunteering regularly in the co-op preschool to volunteering as the Brownie leader, the library volunteer coordinator, the book fair coordinator, and the classroom representative. This is in addition to seeing patients part-time in my own psychology practice, and managing the weekly speech and occupational therapy appointments for my kids. Oh, and don’t forget horseback riding, piano, dance class, play dates and sleepovers! Not to mention that my husband and I rarely have time to have a conversation.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining – really I’m not. First, I have to own that I signed up for this. Literally – I couldn’t stand the fact that no one else was volunteering to be the classroom rep, so I put my name in the mix. Same with the other jobs. I do enjoy spending time at the kids’ school, interacting with their teachers and friends, and feeling like I’m contributing something. On the other hand, I worry that I’m not only overscheduling myself, but I am overscheduling the kids. Granted, they love all of their activities. But have we lost sight of plain old-fashioned fun? I remember as a kid, I spent every afternoon playing outside, riding bikes, playing four-square and hopscotch, tasting honeysuckle, and visiting with neighbors. Homework wasn’t the main event.
I don’t remember my parents having to schedule play dates, because I would see my friends every day after school. I can still hear my Mom calling out just before dusk in her thick Brazilian accent, “Dinnertime, come inside!”
Now we also have technology to contend with. Kids are spending more and more time playing video games, watching television, emailing, and texting, and less time getting fresh air and enjoying Mother Nature. For our sensory kiddos, this sensory overload often results in overstimulation, meltdowns, and difficulty completing tasks. It is twice as hard for these children to get back to baseline after watching a loud movie, spending 30 minutes on the internet, or texting with a friend.
This is why it is increasingly important to combat cyber life and overscheduling with calming activities in nature that help you connect with your kids. Take time to go for a family hike, go on a nature scavenger hunt, spend time at the dog park, or go to an apple orchard. Or just play outside in your own backyard – throw a ball or frisbee, swing on the swings, draw with sidewalk chalk, jump on the trampoline, or ride a bike. These gross-motor activities will also help calm and prepare your child for homework time, dinnertime, and bedtime.
The Slow Family Living Movement, a concept developed by Carrie Contey, Ph.D. and Bernadette Noll, is a testimony to this very sentiment. Dr. Contey, a prenatal/perinatal psychologist and nationally recognized parent coach, and Ms. Noll, a writer and mother of four, describe their collaboration:
“It is our desire to help families and individuals find ways to slow things down, not with a recipe or a prescription, but rather by questioning how things are going, and finding ways that work for them. It is our biggest intention to help families find ways to slow things down, connect and enjoy life together.”
Check it out at:
Enjoy the great outdoors!
Eat up!
The topic of eating and nutrition is a tricky one for our sensory kiddos, and for their parents. With school beginning again, there are all kinds of articles on packing “cute” lunches.
http://www.parenting.com/gallery/bento-lunch-boxes?src=NL&con=wk&cid=enews081611
Really? Great ideas, but who has the time?
If your kids are like mine, they are extremely “picky” eaters (some nutritionists do not approve of that term, but it is very descriptive in this case). They lean towards carbohydrates almost exclusively, focusing on bread, crackers, pasta, and rice. My youngest, who used to love fruit and some vegetables, chooses to avoid these foods altogether now. She is also no longer eating pizza, hot dogs, or regular yogurt (just got her to eat frozen yogurt tubes again). This is incredibly frustrating for us. I begin to feel inadequate as a parent, that I’m not providing for my child (even though I keep presenting these foods and other new ones over and over and over!).
It helps to think about what might be going on in her toddler brain. I cannot deny that there is a behavioral component, given that developmentally she is in the process of discovering her own voice, and wants to be in control of her own choices. She is moving from toddler to preschooler, and with this change comes new experiences, which are sometimes scary for her (such as starting a new preschool, sleeping in her own bed, etc.). Along with this we’ve seen an increase in defiance and tantrums. It is one of those developmental periods that you hope will pass quickly; although intellectually I know it is a necessary part of her growing up and developing her own sense of self.
From a sensory processing perspective, not only are her taste buds changing as she gets older, but some of the textures and temperatures of foods she used to enjoy are now somewhat uncomfortable in her mouth. Fruits, vegetables, and meat all have varying textures and are served at different temperatures. For a child with sensory issues, this must be overwhelming to her sensitive wiring. Her brain is working overtime to process all of this input. Even varying colors of foods can be challenging, as she tends to shy away from all colors except for white foods.
The solution: there is no easy one. We continue presenting new (and old) foods on a “learning plate” – a plate we place in front of her with various foods, separate from her eating plate. We tell her she can look at the foods, smell them, touch them, and taste them, but she is not required to eat them. We also have a nutrition consult this week. In addition, the occupational therapist plans to work on desensitizing the mouth and palate using various oral-motor exercises (e.g. using a vibrating “bug” or other vibration on the outside of the cheeks before meals, and using a soft brush on the inside of the cheeks). This has worked well on my older daughter, who agreed to eat salad for the first time in over a year! She has also tried other new foods lately.
We have some goals for our family mealtimes. We are consuming less meat as a family, focusing mainly on poultry and fish, and lots of vegetarian dishes. We have tried to buy more organic produce either at the grocery store or at the farmer’s market (although this is not practical all the time, especially given the high prices). We have snuck in some gluten-free pastas and breads, and the girls don’t seem to notice the difference. My main goal for now, however, is to make sure the lunch boxes are returned home with some evidence of consumption, and that my daughter relies less on Pediasure and Horizon vanilla milks to get her through the day.
Here are some links to some oral-motor tools to try (Amazon is my go-to place):
Fasten Your Seatbelts!
Summer vacation is always full of surprises, good and bad. Our trip to California was off to a great start! All girls sat in their own seats on the airplane, and take off and landing went very smoothly. We were shocked at how well things went.
Then we were struck with a series of unfortunate events. A grocery bag broke on Day 2, shattering a glass bottle of olive oil that cut my husband’s foot. After a short ER trip and a tetanus shot, we were off to our next destination: Venice Beach. We stop to buy groceries, and of course the girls have to use the restroom. We walk into the back storeroom of Ralph’s, open the women’s restroom door, and find a drunk homeless man with his pants down. We ran as fast as we could out of that store!! After that, the girls were anxious about every stranger that walked by. The third (and hopefully the last) of unfortunate events was in a charming Italian restaurant in Santa Monica. After a lovely trip to the beach and pier, we stopped in for a bite to eat. The food was delicious, and all girls actually ate (the all-carb diet: bread, pizza, and pasta!). At the end of the meal, we stand up, and my husband discovers he had been sitting in a spot of tar, which ruined his favorite pair of shorts. Poor guy.
Most adults can manage these ups and downs, albeit with a little anxiety and frustration. But for our children with SPD, just a small change in routine is enough to stir up a whole host of emotions. For example, my youngest with SPD has had a hard time adjusting to being in a new place – she has said repeatedly she is ready to go home. The morning routine, mealtimes, and bedtimes are completely thrown off. The feel of the sand on her feet was uncomfortable at first, and we had to carry her until she was able to enjoy the warm, grainy feeling on her skin. The ocean waves (music to our ears) were too loud for her. This sensory overload resulted in frequent meltdowns. In addition, she has become increasingly anxious in social situations, and does not want anyone to look at her. This makes meeting with relatives and friends very challenging. She seems to have a visceral response to this painful self-consciousness, which often results in her hitting and kicking us. It takes her about an hour to finally climb off our laps and begin to engage with the other children.
Traditional discipline methods do not make sense in these situations (even time outs!), as we are keenly aware that she is experiencing intense emotions that she cannot manage. We have to put our own emotions and reactions aside to allow her to have hers, which can be extremely challenging. Sometimes I’m ready to pull my hair out, if she hasn’t already! Making sure she has plenty of sleep and keeping her tummy full are also key to helping her through this.
Sometimes I question whether spending a small fortune for our annual vacation is worth these difficult times. But these are the memories that make up our lives together, both the wonderful and the challenging moments. Now in the fifth day of vacation, our daughter is finally adjusting and enjoying the beach. This is not to say we are not bracing ourselves for the next unexpected event – just that we are breathing a sigh of relief, for now.
Happy Travels!
Searching for Seamless
It’s hard to imagine thinking about Back to School shopping when we’re immersed in the dog days of summer. However, stores have already started advertising for Fall specials. This means it’s time to search again for seamless socks and comfortable clothing for our kids.
The first time I heard the word “seamless” related to clothing was in an ad for seamless bras. This conjures up an image of Jane Russell in the 1980′s wearing the 18-hour Playtex bra (18 hours, really?). Here’s an interesting history of the bra, including the first seamless bra:
History of the Most Famous Bras
And now we have Spanx, designed to give the illusion of a smaller waistline and tighter butt, much like the corset of the late 1800′s, or the girdles used by women from the 1920′s to the 1960′s. The open-bottom girdle was then replaced in the 1960′s with the panty girdle, which is more like a pair of athletic shorts. Thankfully, undergarments have evolved towards increasing comfort for women.
Children (and adults) with tactile defensiveness will often be sensitive to seams of clothing, tags of shirts, etc., and finding comfortable options can be challenging. When my daughter started complaining that the seams of her underwear were bothering her (which had never occurred to me), I set off on a search for seamless underwear. There are only a couple of options that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I finally landed on a pair of Hanes boy shorts for girls, which I purchased on Amazon. They are made of the softest cotton, in pretty prints, and with no side seams. This sufficed only for a couple of weeks, before she decided that going commando was the only solution.
For seamless socks, many companies are now making them for kids and adults. We found some Asics brand seamless socks at Academy, which the kids have said are really comfortable. I’ve also found some on Amazon and at Therawear:
Please feel free to post comments with resources you’d like to share with other parents on the search for seamless items. Here’s to a comfortable, seamless summer and Fall shopping experience!
Firework!
Due to a burn ban in Austin, the only fireworks we saw and heard on July 4th were on Katy Perry’s music video:
The funny thing is, every time I hear the song, I am reminded of my own little FIREWORK, who is sometimes prone to her own colorful explosions. However, the lyrics of the song are very inspirational in terms of promoting and accepting the uniqueness and “spark” of each of our children. I appreciate how fortunate I am to have the privilege of parenting my girls, with all of their quirks (we all have our quirks!). This is not to say I never feel depleted, exhausted, and hopeless. But, the more I focus on the negative feelings that can be a natural part of parenting, the more I experience and dwell on the negative.
I’ve been reading, “From Difficult to Delightful in Just 30 Days: How to Improve the Behavior of Your Spirited Child,” by Jacob Azerrad, Ph.D. One aspect of the book I really like is the focus on the positive behaviors your child demonstrates. The author asks parents to keep a diary, listing positive behaviors in three categories: taking disappointment calmly, sibling caring, and ‘Mother Teresa’ behavior (positive awareness of others). I’ve found that the more I focus on these positive behaviors in my children, and give them positive verbal reinforcement for these behaviors, the more they do them! It’s B.F. Skinner’s dream (famous behaviorist)! Dr. Azerrad also advocates for the traditional time-out procedure for undesirable behaviors, which I suggest parents can adapt to their own particular preferences or needs. He then suggests adapting a “nurture response,” in which the parent takes the child aside and praises him/her for a positive act exhibited earlier in the day, and then spends at least 10 minutes of quality time with the child. We have yet to try this in a formal way, although I feel we are already doing this step in various forms (but perhaps could do more of it!).
Dr. Azerrad’s respectful approach with children stands in stark contrast to other methods of behavior control that seem to result in feelings of fear and shame for the child (e.g. corporal punishment). It also calls to my attention the other positive qualities of my child with SPD: creativity, energy, exuberance, a keen sense of observation, and spark!
Baby, you’re a firework!
Welcome Parents!
In my work as a psychologist specializing in childhood disorders, I have evaluated many children who have sensory processing disorder. While SPD can look like ADHD, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, or an autism spectrum disorder, the label is not so important. What is most important are the treatments the child receives, how parents and family members interact with these kiddos at home, and ways we can help them function better in the outside world to reach their full potential.
I didn’t truly understand the impact of living with a child with these issues until I discovered I have one of my own! She is my spunky, energetic, incredibly bright shining star. She is also highly reactive, hypervigilant, and extremely anxious at times. Whether it’s a new and unfamiliar situation, finding the right clothes and shoes to wear, getting out the door to make it to school on time, or getting ready for bed, I have found that I am often faced with a challenge for which I feel ill-prepared.
There are many moments, as a parent, when I don’t have the slightest idea how to handle a meltdown, and I’m on the verge of one myself! I will quickly grab one of my parenting books, or try to remember the highlights of one I poured through the night before, only to realize that the first step is to BREATHE. And to help her breathe. Then maybe I can try one of the many techniques out there on how to parent a “spirited” child.
The goal of this blog is to share my ideas and experiences, both personal and professional, and to develop a forum in which parents of SPD kids can share their own ideas, resources, and experiences. I also visualize this blog being used as an online support group for parents, and I encourage you to comment, question, and provide information! It is always comforting to know we are not alone.
